Even when Ravi first began dating Tania, he instinctually felt that she was very emotional. She would get angry easily and when she did, she screamed loudly. Her demeanour would look menacing, she didn’t mince words and the foul language she used was deplorable. It didn’t matter who was at the receiving end. Nor did it matter, if they were with friends or had company or were at a party or at a family gathering. When he brought it up with her she said, “I don’t like to bury my emotions. If something upsets me, I’d rather express it and get it out of my system. It means that I don’t carry any baggage.”
Initially, Ravi tried to accept her justification as she calmed down as quickly as she got angry. But soon he began to feel uncomfortable. He found himself pre-empting her every reaction and felt a compulsion to try and remove the cause of her anger as much as he possibly could. He was always alert and stressed. It wasn’t so much her angry outbursts but the shrillness of her voice that often made him cringe. He did enjoy her company, but he couldn’t help feeling as if everyone was whispering behind their back about her bouts of anger.
He didn’t know how to deal with it or make her understand his discomfort. So he began to avoid her. Did she make him feel embarrassed? Or was he simply trying to protect himself from public ridicule?
His behaviour upset Tania greatly as she really liked him. She didn’t unnecessarily get angry; there was always a valid reason for her outburst. Ravi had to accept her as she was. She had never pretended in front of him so why was he acting prudish? She confronted him, rather as Ravi said, he felt ‘cornered!’ As they argued and her temper rose, the boundaries of civility broke between them. Ravi desperately tried to explain his feelings but she just wouldn’t listen. She felt wronged.
Soon after, they broke up.
Its evident here that sometimes what makes us angry is less important than what we do with it. Although Ravi understood that her anger was at times justified, what he couldn’t fathom was the intensity of the outburst. He felt that most often, she responded inappropriately.
Anger is a normal emotion with a wide range of intensity, from mild irritation and frustration to rage leading to various complex responses.
While growing up, parents teach children to express their emotions the ‘right’ way. Their ‘righteousness’ of course, is defined by their own personal values, belief systems, perceptions and judgements. Sometimes though, they forget that how they express these emotions in front of their children, however unintentional, are lessons that children learn as efficiently.
In addition, how the children are made to feel in such situations and in turn how they respond or how acceptable their reactions are, reflect the qualities they begin to attribute to these emotions growing up. Each child uses their own mechanisms to adapt, adopt and react to such situations. This could either lead to constructive or destructive behaviour in adulthood.
Some homes, on the other hand, do not allow children to express certain emotions openly and anger outbursts are one of them. Unresolved anger and / or anger that children don’t learn to express, in adulthood, can often lead to violent behaviour, depression, irritability, feelings of being disconnected or alienated. Minor discrepancies upset them, they can become defensive and feel pressurised to justify and constantly explain their behaviour.
According to Ravi, Tania was unable to distinguish between situations and always responded with the same intensity. Generally, different situations warrant differing expressions of anger. The intensity of the expression is mostly based on how it makes an individual feel personally. At the outset, it might look as if the situation is the culprit but delving deeper, it is in fact, a reflection of how the situation makes them feel about themselves – either insecure, inferior, disrespected, vulnerable, taken for granted, unimportant or worthless.
Both Ravi and Tania had different ways of expressing their anger. Ravi was unable to recognise the actual trigger within an unpleasant situation that made her angry. While Tania couldn’t look beyond feeling ‘wronged’ and so responded to Ravi the same way she’d learned to behave whenever she felt upset.